Cleaning Out Life's Linen Closet

At 1am, yes 1 AM, I sent a friends request to three relatives that have been distant. Included in the request was this accompanying note:

• "I think it is time to move forward from what ever was past. Whether I have hurt you or you have hurt me. I forgive you, can you forgive me?" 

My thoughts, at the time of the request, was not past issues or who is at fault. This wasn't a blame game.  It was time to move forward.  I was willing to be the first person to step forward and say something. After all, I had an alterior motive! :)

On my birthday, 3 months ago I started my forgiveness quest!  I needed to lift the heaviness off of my life.  I was carrying SO much Life Baggage.  I had to fully understand and believe that no matter how many times I hash and rehash the past it never changed how I felt at that moment.  CHANGING the future was something I could hash out! It was up to me to accept what I can, stop blaming and stop try to figure out what I can't, and just get on with it!  I didn't want to talk about the past, I just wanted to move forward and create new memories, better memories!!  I wanted that for ME, and I wanted it for OTHERS.  After me, were my parents. I was on the road to cleaning out Life's Linen Closet (thus a Blog is Born)! 

I don't care what you have been taught or told.....It is very very very difficult to be the "first" or to say "I am sorry" when you have no reason to say it. However, I refused to go away from ths life without at least trying to resolve this "indifference". The next suitcase contained a group of family members mentions above. So it was up to me to step forward and be the "first inorder for me to continue on this quest to heal myself and redeem who I am to ME and begin to enjoy the love of family gatherings again!

People think they know, but they really don't know ME. Who knows, maybe my action along with my words will be inspirational enough to them that they pay if forward!  Here's to Hope!

My optimistic hope soon turned to me being on the verge of tears. I cannot for the life of me, understand some people!  I really, really, really try. I was trying not to allow this person to control my emotions! Subconsciously I am screaming "I am not a bad person and neither is J, my huband!" 

I am not perfect, but I am not imperfect either!  People from all walks of life forgive on a daily basis, but today the acceptance forgiveness was only acceptable with stipulations.

• The stipulation? (Quoted from the email:  it's your life and you forgave J(my husband)......but we still choose not to be around him..........I hope this is something we can agree to disagree on...and get back to being a family.........My husband did something to ME that I, I HIS WIFE, forgave him for.  He did nothing to these people, NOTHING!  (****) is for privacy of the relative's name

• ****and my issues were never with you....When I talked to you on the phone after J hurt you so bad.....That was it for us ...no more J....... 
• its something he(as in ****) can't get past....

I was floored, stunned actually!  The the more I thought about it the madder I became. 
Subconsciously I started going off!!!

• (****'s spouse) wants me to foresake my husband right here in this email?  Right here, right now?  For their love and acceptance, and get back to being a family?   YOU want ME, to turn my back on my HUSBAND?  And this is after my husband and I have been been on our own healing path for over 2 1/2 years now! Our marriage is solid, happy and HEALTHY mentally and emotionally and now  YOU want ME to give you special honor over HIM? Are you fucking kidding me? Is this what YOUR God teaches you?  Seriously? 

This word comes to mind.

• hyp·o·crite a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, esp. a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.

This is what YOUR  GOD said:

Luke 6:35-38;42But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." ... How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

Once I blog about a situation, such as this.  I am done with it.  I have emptied this bag and I am moving on, but I will say this before I finally dust out the case and put it in memory storage. To my family member above:

 Not every situation is the same. Everyone has a story and if you think for one moment YOU really know my situation, trials, tribulations, and  heartaches then YOU ARE assuming, and that can be the most damanging thing a human being can do.   This is YOUR loss, and not mine.  I feel sorry for you and only hope that one day your mind, eyes and heart will be opened.  If that day should ever come, I will be waiting, with MY arms opened.

HERE IS A SONG I WANT TO DEDICATE TO MYSELF For I have just given myself the kindest and generous gift of all....