Part 2 - Cleaning out Life's Closet - Mom, I think the Tides have Turned for us.

The reality is, I just couldn't store this bag yet.  It still needsed "airing out".  Deep down, I thought, I could let this one go.  But when I thought about the situation, the people involved.  Well, I just cried off and on for 36 hours.   Saying good bye permanently, is never easy.  It was the "Livingdeath" of family members. 

I was here, before her marriage to my uncle. I was here, before the birth of their first child. This was a woman, my Aunt, I grew up to love deeply and put upon a pedestal.  She is the woman who embraced me when I found out I was pregnant (not married), for she had experience this for herself.  She is the one, I wanted to take care of my first born should anything ever happen to me.

Less than 24 hours after being added as her friend, I was deleted.  Within 5 hours of her mother deleting me, my cousin followed suit.  The other sister never bothered to add me. The funny thing is the previous blog mentioned no names and for the life of me I have no idea why my cousin would delete me!  Oh wait.....her mother must have told her the blog was about her and my cousin, a grown ass 30 year old woman, able to form her own opinion.  As if, the email from her mother, wasn't enough of a slap in the face!  The cousin went so far as to state, that I "twisted words" on a facebook thread of my sister's.  Twisted Words?  I did NO SUCH THING!

My Subconscious is SCREAMING AT THIS POINT.......

"Why would I do that????"   "Are you kidding me?" "You honestly believe I would jepordize my own intergrity for such childish act?:"

 When I quote someone on any blog I will color and italicize it! I will change names for privacy purposes.  So they could see the entire email and compare it with the blog, the original email was sent to my mother and sisters. Then the word "foresake" was mentioned to me by either my sister or my mom. Anyway, I supposively said my aunt said for me to foresake J(my husband).............
Subconscoius again:

O   M   G ......YOU obviously DIDN"T UNDERSTAND OR READ CORRECTLY!!  On top of that do you even know what the word means outside of Biblical Text?

Definition of FORSAKE

transitive verb

: to renounce or turn away from entirely <friends have forsaken her> <forsook the theater for politics>

In the previous blog I was "talking to myself" outloud while typing my thoughts, just as I did above.......

As in, ...."you mean to tell me my aunt wants me to forsake my husband right here right now in this email!!!!!!"

Many times people think of affairs when we hear the words "forsake all others" but it's deeper than that. 
I REALLY want my marriage to work. My husband is the ONLY person ever to know me the way he does. I hope that I know him just as deeply.  He is truly my best friend and I am his.  I love my husband so much, that I would NEVER Foresake him for your's or anyone elses benefit!  It was YOU, that has found problems or faults in my husband and had to point out these things out!  It was YOU, that said that you could have me at the family gathering but not my husband.  For my husband isn't welcomed or forgiven for something that had absolutely NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!!!   It was YOU, that gave me a conditional acceptance only if I forsake (denounced; turned away from)my husband.   Forsaking my husband opens my marriage up to a whole other set of problems!  Well listen here, I AM CLEANING OUT NOT FUCKING COLLECTING DRAMA, HEARTACHE, RESENTMENT, ANGER! 

(Whew, sorry but it felt good to let that out!!!!!)

My husband has more than paid his dues to me, and I AM THE ONLY ONE THAT MATTERED IN THE FIRST PLACE!  Let me be the judge of my marriage.  For it will be a cold day in hell before I ever FORESAKE my husband for your idea of a family. How dare YOU judge our marriage when you can not possibly JUDGE what you do not understand!  As for my 55+ year old uncle not getting over his past, therefore he judges MY husband based on his past????? Well, all I have to say for that is, SAD. What a miserable life he is living. and I feel sorry for him.  I hope one day he finds his path out of destruction!

It takes someone wise and mature to understand what a marriage is and what it takes to make it work even through the most difficult of circumstances!   J and I have beaten the odd and have won....and instead of wallowing in your selfish judgement, you should be proud and grateful that two people were strong enough, smart enough, and truly loved enough to work through a situation that ends in divorce 70% of the time!


After I saw my sister's post, I called her.   Then, I called my mother, whom was very upset about the entire situation.  Here are their two post:

• 
  

  J H B 16 hours ago
  

  “A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though they know that you are slightly cracked”....the same thing goes for family......We’re not all perfect and we all have our faults. Sometimes we do things that others might not approve of or support, but God blessed us with these people in our lives, to be there for us and not judge us when we need them the most. Life ...is so short and we should never take our family and friends for granted. We should not turn our backs on them, but we should embrace them. I think that happiness will fall in to place when we recognize and appreciate what we do have. I know that sometimes I sound over positive, but I would rather be that way than completely negative about every single thing that happens in my life. I don’t want to live my life with regrets and I am not about to start cutting my family out of my life because I know that I will look back one day and regret it. God put these people in my life for a reason. I have no regrets now and I will have none when I look back on my life.
•  
• S D H
• My feelngs are really hurt. How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot?Think about who you are and what you are before you judge others. I would never hurt anyone on purpose. I could lash out but what's the point. Life is just to short. I learned a long time ago "To be forgiven you have to learn to forgive".........everyone!

My mom and I haven't had the best of relations over the past 4 years.  A combo of many things. While talking to her last night, there was this moment I just allowed my wall to come down and I just cried. She HEARD me......and I really heard her.  At that moment, I felt something deep within.  An undescribable connection and understanding of her pain and my pain, all wrapped in ball. Hurt is just hurt, no matter what the circumstances.  It was a bonding moment for me.  I began to feel something rise from within me.

Something I haven't had in a long time, for my mother.  Respect. 

I had a little, but the past was stopping me from giving what was deserved.  I forgave my mother on my birthday November 11, 2010, for EVERYTHING.  A simple act of grace.  She had sent me an email only apologized for a huge blow up that happened the day prior.  It takes a big person to apologize in person, but even bigger in writting, and there she was doing it.  The best birthday present ever,  how could I not???  At the same time I also forgave my father for EVERYTHING.  It was the most beautiful defining moment of my life. 

I have reached another one. 

Despite all the hurt, all the pain.....I have found a positive, in so much negative.  I found my gateway, my path with my mom once again.   I truly believe that ............

"The strength of motherhood is greater than the natural laws"  B. Kingsolver

"She is my teacher, advisor and greatest inspiration" W. Houston

"A mother loves her children even when they least deserve to be loved" K. Sanperi

"A mother understands what a child can not say" Jewish Proverb

 and finally..................

 "Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."   Harriet Beecher Stowe, writer