I just went on one crazy ass ride and SURVIVED!!

Holy smokes did this past week actually just happen?  Some much has gone on over the past several days that it is a wonder I am still STANDING!  One thing is deeply personal and I will not blog about it.  Afterall, we all deserve some secrets.  Then my 8 year old Silky Terrier, Rudy was near death Friday, and luckily we got to bring him home. So here it is Monday, and I have gotten a burst of pure energy today and have gone crazy REALLY cleaning.  Deep cleaning! 

I am noticing clutter that is cluttering my life!  So while cleaning up my home, I am also cleaning out my home.  I have come to realize that I can not keep piling stuff up.....I will never get anything accomplished.  Oh, the life of a ADHD'er.  So, after buying this piece(Vintage <3), 

and not being able to figure out what to do with it initially.  This was the piece that said ok, enough is enough.  (I finally decided it would be my portable sewing table!!!!)  Which I need because I will be making new window treatments for three rooms.  Living room, den(computer room) and the kitchen.  Speaking of window treatments you know you can cover a roller shade!!!!  Well I have found this vintage wall paper for $1.00 that has some damange on one side, anyway the wheels start spinning in my head and then it clicks.  Use the vintage wallpaper to create a really cool looking roller shade.  I will hopefully make it this week and will show the result once it is completed! I am excited about this!   But until then, here is the wallpaper! 

One day, one project at a time.  I finally found and bought a new living room sofa.  The other one was UGLY and very uncomfortable so it had to go.  I watched Craigslist and always toured my favorite resale/thrift places and bam I found it!!!  Guess where from?!  Goodwill for freaking $40.00!!!!  I couldn't believe it!

No stains, no rips or tears, no apparent smell, no pet hair.  It is comfortable and perfect for me!  I have changed furniture quite a few times in the short period we have lived in this house.  I change furniture the way I change my mind about decorating.  So I love buying used furniture and revamping it to suit my needs for the time being.  I usually end up reselling the items once I get tired of them and usually make money!  : ). 

Now an update on my battle with weight.  I am happy to announce that I have not caved, with all the stress of the past week!!!! Yippee!  Initially the scales said I lost 5lbs, now they say I have lost 2lbs.  And you know what?  I am happy.  Yes HAPPY!!!!  Why would I be happy over 2lbs?  Ok look, I would like to lose more but considering what all has taken place it is a wonder I haven't eaten the house and purged on junk food to soothe my feelings.   This time was different.  I didn't soothe my feeling with food.  My feelings were spoken and the moment was felt and battled then.  I didn't hold it in or back, I just let it out.  Don't think I didn't want to at times, I did. I reminded myself, food isn't my friend, my comfort.  It is to provide and sustain life.   So that is a wonderful feeling to have some control over that!!!!  I still have not been released medically so I am still not able to do any excerise that involves my feet and really shouldn't be doing what I am doing now! 

I am going to continue to keep myself busy, so busy that food once again becomes what it should have been all along!  I looking forward to my new decorating and new outlook!!!! 

Part 1: In a series - Losing my bestfriend, gaining my future!

Hello my name is Janet Greer, and I am emotional eater. Admission is the first step in breaking an addiction. Right?  Oh, don't get me wrong I have complained and have bitched, but have never shown what I am about to show.

The picture is hard to read but it was the only written documentation I had to show. 3/7/2008 I was 179 pounds(5'9") and a size 10. Perfect for me, but my mental state wouldn't rejoice in that moment, instead it was the beginning of my enormous weight gain(it took 8 1/2 month).

This is my weight tonight:

81lbs of shock, resentment, anger, sadness, depression, surgery, stopped smoking.  Seriously, it started 12/30/2007, this was the day I received a letter letting me know my 2 1/2 year battle over child child support with my ex was lost by ME and I had a renowned expert! Yes, we were literally SCREWED.
But that was minor compared to the next 3 years.

Jan. 2008 - domestic incident occurred that caused me to kick my current husband out of the house
Feb 2008 - Family issues blew up; I stopped all contact with my mother, stepfather and 1 sister
Mar 2008 - Husband and I started talking about our issue
Apr 2008 - Buyer for our home fell through
May 2008 - Husband and I decided to reconcile.
July 2008 - Served with custody papers by the ex
Sept 2008 - Have buyer for our home in Monroe LA
Oct 2008 - Custody hearing cancelled at last minute
Nov. 2008 - Youngest son ended up in hospital with stress induced high blood pressure. Closed on old home, closed on new home. We move to Conway, AR
Jan 2009- Custody hearing with over 20 witnesses cost us over $10K, judge wouldn't let children testify. Judge divided custody. Gave my youngest son to my ex husband who rarely had ANYTHING to do with his kids and I got the oldest son. This was the absolute worst moment of my entire life.  My child wasn't taken from me because I was a bad mother.  He took him because of my decision to reconciled my marriage.
Feb 2009 - My youngest son was removed from our home; I received my Nikon D90
Mar 2009 - Oldest son causes problems from the custody battle and the move
April 2009 - Diagnosed with uterine fibroid.  I was having a period every two weeks.
June 2009 - Hysterectomy and Stopped smoking
July 2009 - Three major bladder infections, one sends me to ER.
Sept 2009 - My father informs me he is getting married and wants me to meet my soon to be step mother. Son and I drive to Missouri to meet her.  My first time seeing my father in 8 years.
Oct 2009 - My husband's mother passes away
Nov 2009 - My mother has us for Thanksgiving for the first time in 2 year; Uncle states I am not welcome at the "farm" where the family was to have Thanksgiving. Started having foot problems
Dec 2009 - Father is getting married in Stuart, FL and wants us to attend; Provides us with a two day pass to Walt Disney World. Met all new family; Foot problem become severe.
Jan 2010 - Finally and fully healed from Hysterectomy after several silver nitrate treatments; Join a Gym
Feb 2010 - I think my sister told me I was going to be an aunt again. Went to doctor despite going to gym and restricted diet I only lost 6 pounds.  He put me on Effexor.
Mar or Apr 2010 - Father was in Paris on trip this was a opening point of anger beginning to boil inside of me; Oldest son finally gets his drivers license! Foot becomes so painful I have to stop the gym.
May 2010 - My son, who was on the A & B Honor Roll in Monroe, LA; has now flunked algebra.  He has never flunked anything; Doctor tells me to stay off foot as much as possible.
Aug 2010 - Baby sister has third child.
Sept 2010 - Photographed my first wedding and started seeing a podiatrist
Oct. 2010 - Diagnosis with very low Vitamin D levels, started prescription Vitamin D
Nov 2010 - I started to snap out of my fog My journey towards gaining control over my life. Forgave my mother and father and started OVER!
Dec 2010 - Foot surgery, Stopped Effexor, Christmas at my sisters in Monticello AR. Niece has strep
Started the blog and 365 photo.
Jan 2011- Vowed to continue on a positive path and deal with the emotional side of my eating. Today (17th)marks the three year anniversary, that forever changed my life and my husband life.  Today, I love, honor and cherish my husband and our marriage because we are a minority....we survived, happily, survived. 
There have been through many positive changes over the past couple of months, and I feel that I am ready to tackle the weight issue. My weight gain is beyond just me "liking" or "loving" food. It has been my best friend for far to long, my comfort, my security. Well this bitch has become a problem!  Sex is difficult, walking more than a mile is a freaking workout, my titties are so big that if I get any bigger I am going to have to have a special made bra, clothing has gone from cute and fun to fat and frumpy!  I am ready to get my relationship with food back to where it should be, in control.

I hope by admitting my addiction and by posting my "now" weight. I can, with the help of Google, Amazon, and the love and support of friends and family in real life as well as those far away who read this blog, or are on facebook, tackle the addiction and healing my body.  My self sabotaging behavior in the past drove to posting my now weight.  I needed to "see" and "read" that I am holding myself accountable for behavior that will jeopardize my progress. 

Everyone knows, that no matter what lifestyle or diet you chose, if you are addicted, you do not control anything....including porportion. Excuses always made.  Well NO MORE!!!  I will not pressure myself with any weight loss numbers.  In other word, if I lose 2lbs or 10lbs per month, I will celebrate the small victories and not depress myself with futher feelings of failure.  I want this for me.  I am just going to continue to love me and allow changes to occur naturally.  The way I have chosen to eat now is due to my stomach problems and not a so called diet.  Whatever I do will be permenantly done, not just temporary.  Food will no longer be a reward.  PERIOD.

I have this theory that if I heal my heart and my mind that I will heal my body.  I really really believe this and believe in me for the first time in a long time.  I am not, and will not, wear rose colored glasses through this journey.  It is a challenging, it is difficult, I will be changing a habit that is as strong as Nicotine, as pleasing as sex, but a necessary evil that I will face every single day.  Food is my addiction, my best friend. Again, I only "need" enough to live, not drown!  It is time to stop  the excuses, it is time to conquer a long standing nemesis.  I will share my thoughts, research and information on understanding and tackling my addiction with studies. I will share my struggles and progress, and celebrate this new beginning, this new life on 11/11/11 (my birthday!) and I want to do something special!!!!

Don't worry my blog will not become just a weight loss blog....those can be boring!!!  My blog will still remain a complete emotinal mixture of me! 

"Nesting" before Dying

Nesting:

: to form a hierarchy, series, or sequence of with each member, element, or set contained in or containing the next <nested subroutines>  The smaller bowl is designed to nest inside the larger one. 

 

An onion is formed this way. Layer after layer.  I believe every human being grows and matures this way. For every obstacle in my path, for every disappointment, let down, mistake I have made, there has been, and will be some sort of  lesson. I might have learned quickly.  A new layer is formed (Greater Widsom and inner happiness). Some lesson have taken a little longer than others and stunted my emotional growth and well being. Living in the past, trying to figure out or trying to understand the past did nothing for me.  It just stopped me for gaining new growth, and no new "layer" was formed. 

 

I would grant forgiveness or an accepted apology without fully getting over the past.  I aquired a "false sense of  growth".   Always assured myself, I had moved on. Deep down, I still harbored those feelings of anger, resentment.  Feel sorry for me, woe pityful me or constantly blaming someone else for my failures in life and relationships NOT IMPROVING? OMG I was a false forgiver/apologizer!   It was awful. I didn't understand the "awfulness" of it, until I started connecting it to other negative areas of my life.  My false growth produced layers that were weak, split, broken, damaged.  Never fully growing a new healthy layer.

 

It was only when I took the time to nurture myself, stop listening to everyone else, stop being afraid, stop trying to change the past and REALLY, TRULY forgave without stipulations.  BAM BOOM!  Holy smokes Batman, I am all of the sudden growing like crazy! I am growning by leaps and bounds and it was scary.  I even asked myself, am I about to die? 

 

Let me explain that. 

When I was pregnant for the second time, I went on a crazy cleaning spree.  I even raked my entire front yard when I was 8 1/2 months pregnant!  My mother said I was "nesting".  "What do you mean I am nesting?"  She explained that nesting was a term used for getting your house "nest" in order to bring a baby home. Baby must be on his way soon, as in the next few days......

Wonderful "tale", but my baby had to be hard headed and wait til his due date! LOL  Anyway, Ye old oven broke, took it out, and didn't replace it!  So, then I thought, "Maybe this some type of primal instinct? Where your body begins to communicate with the brain,

"Hey, Hey you. Um, hate to tell you this but you are dying". 

So then the brain commences open up and become logical, emotions start to mature and say NOW is the time to forgive everyone and get happy.  OMG, so I freak out a little, and then I Google it.  Call me crazy but I did and this is what I found out.

NO we do not "nest" before we die!  Thank You LIFE!!!

A person might do the "coming to Jesus" before they die type of apology or forgivance.  Those are the people who, in fear, can only apologizing or forgive because they have this overwhelming sense to make everything right.  Bible/religious fear, "don't want to go to hell" type of pressure.  Listen people, death apologies don't allow for growth.  Seriously think about it!  All those feeling of disontent are gone, but you can not enjoy the fruits of what is about to come out of apologizing or forgiveness!  You are dying, remember?  All those years lost, all those years unhappy, all those years of stunted emotional grown.  Sad.

Well I am here to tell you, "I am not dying"!  My forgiveness, my apologies are REAL, and from the heart. I have worked very very hard to get where I am, and I can not tell you how FREAKING GREAT IT FEELS!!!!  I do not be done without maturity and a complete understanding of the bigger picture.  I may be a little late in the game, but I have another good 40 to 50 years to live!  I don't plan on living the rest of them weighed down with emotional baggage.  My well-being is #1 priority in my life. I am going to be happy, I am going to embrace my life and run with it.   I experiencing  the most incredible, most emotional journey of my ENTIRE life with the people who are important to me.  I want to enjoy the fruits of my work. Nesting before dying? I don't think so! I am nesting before LIVING!!! 

Part 2 - Cleaning out Life's Closet - Mom, I think the Tides have Turned for us.

The reality is, I just couldn't store this bag yet.  It still needsed "airing out".  Deep down, I thought, I could let this one go.  But when I thought about the situation, the people involved.  Well, I just cried off and on for 36 hours.   Saying good bye permanently, is never easy.  It was the "Livingdeath" of family members. 

I was here, before her marriage to my uncle. I was here, before the birth of their first child. This was a woman, my Aunt, I grew up to love deeply and put upon a pedestal.  She is the woman who embraced me when I found out I was pregnant (not married), for she had experience this for herself.  She is the one, I wanted to take care of my first born should anything ever happen to me.

Less than 24 hours after being added as her friend, I was deleted.  Within 5 hours of her mother deleting me, my cousin followed suit.  The other sister never bothered to add me. The funny thing is the previous blog mentioned no names and for the life of me I have no idea why my cousin would delete me!  Oh wait.....her mother must have told her the blog was about her and my cousin, a grown ass 30 year old woman, able to form her own opinion.  As if, the email from her mother, wasn't enough of a slap in the face!  The cousin went so far as to state, that I "twisted words" on a facebook thread of my sister's.  Twisted Words?  I did NO SUCH THING!

My Subconscious is SCREAMING AT THIS POINT.......

"Why would I do that????"   "Are you kidding me?" "You honestly believe I would jepordize my own intergrity for such childish act?:"

 When I quote someone on any blog I will color and italicize it! I will change names for privacy purposes.  So they could see the entire email and compare it with the blog, the original email was sent to my mother and sisters. Then the word "foresake" was mentioned to me by either my sister or my mom. Anyway, I supposively said my aunt said for me to foresake J(my husband).............
Subconscoius again:

O   M   G ......YOU obviously DIDN"T UNDERSTAND OR READ CORRECTLY!!  On top of that do you even know what the word means outside of Biblical Text?

Definition of FORSAKE

transitive verb

: to renounce or turn away from entirely <friends have forsaken her> <forsook the theater for politics>

In the previous blog I was "talking to myself" outloud while typing my thoughts, just as I did above.......

As in, ...."you mean to tell me my aunt wants me to forsake my husband right here right now in this email!!!!!!"

Many times people think of affairs when we hear the words "forsake all others" but it's deeper than that. 
I REALLY want my marriage to work. My husband is the ONLY person ever to know me the way he does. I hope that I know him just as deeply.  He is truly my best friend and I am his.  I love my husband so much, that I would NEVER Foresake him for your's or anyone elses benefit!  It was YOU, that has found problems or faults in my husband and had to point out these things out!  It was YOU, that said that you could have me at the family gathering but not my husband.  For my husband isn't welcomed or forgiven for something that had absolutely NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!!!   It was YOU, that gave me a conditional acceptance only if I forsake (denounced; turned away from)my husband.   Forsaking my husband opens my marriage up to a whole other set of problems!  Well listen here, I AM CLEANING OUT NOT FUCKING COLLECTING DRAMA, HEARTACHE, RESENTMENT, ANGER! 

(Whew, sorry but it felt good to let that out!!!!!)

My husband has more than paid his dues to me, and I AM THE ONLY ONE THAT MATTERED IN THE FIRST PLACE!  Let me be the judge of my marriage.  For it will be a cold day in hell before I ever FORESAKE my husband for your idea of a family. How dare YOU judge our marriage when you can not possibly JUDGE what you do not understand!  As for my 55+ year old uncle not getting over his past, therefore he judges MY husband based on his past????? Well, all I have to say for that is, SAD. What a miserable life he is living. and I feel sorry for him.  I hope one day he finds his path out of destruction!

It takes someone wise and mature to understand what a marriage is and what it takes to make it work even through the most difficult of circumstances!   J and I have beaten the odd and have won....and instead of wallowing in your selfish judgement, you should be proud and grateful that two people were strong enough, smart enough, and truly loved enough to work through a situation that ends in divorce 70% of the time!


After I saw my sister's post, I called her.   Then, I called my mother, whom was very upset about the entire situation.  Here are their two post:

• 
  

  J H B 16 hours ago
  

  “A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though they know that you are slightly cracked”....the same thing goes for family......We’re not all perfect and we all have our faults. Sometimes we do things that others might not approve of or support, but God blessed us with these people in our lives, to be there for us and not judge us when we need them the most. Life ...is so short and we should never take our family and friends for granted. We should not turn our backs on them, but we should embrace them. I think that happiness will fall in to place when we recognize and appreciate what we do have. I know that sometimes I sound over positive, but I would rather be that way than completely negative about every single thing that happens in my life. I don’t want to live my life with regrets and I am not about to start cutting my family out of my life because I know that I will look back one day and regret it. God put these people in my life for a reason. I have no regrets now and I will have none when I look back on my life.
•  
• S D H
• My feelngs are really hurt. How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot?Think about who you are and what you are before you judge others. I would never hurt anyone on purpose. I could lash out but what's the point. Life is just to short. I learned a long time ago "To be forgiven you have to learn to forgive".........everyone!

My mom and I haven't had the best of relations over the past 4 years.  A combo of many things. While talking to her last night, there was this moment I just allowed my wall to come down and I just cried. She HEARD me......and I really heard her.  At that moment, I felt something deep within.  An undescribable connection and understanding of her pain and my pain, all wrapped in ball. Hurt is just hurt, no matter what the circumstances.  It was a bonding moment for me.  I began to feel something rise from within me.

Something I haven't had in a long time, for my mother.  Respect. 

I had a little, but the past was stopping me from giving what was deserved.  I forgave my mother on my birthday November 11, 2010, for EVERYTHING.  A simple act of grace.  She had sent me an email only apologized for a huge blow up that happened the day prior.  It takes a big person to apologize in person, but even bigger in writting, and there she was doing it.  The best birthday present ever,  how could I not???  At the same time I also forgave my father for EVERYTHING.  It was the most beautiful defining moment of my life. 

I have reached another one. 

Despite all the hurt, all the pain.....I have found a positive, in so much negative.  I found my gateway, my path with my mom once again.   I truly believe that ............

"The strength of motherhood is greater than the natural laws"  B. Kingsolver

"She is my teacher, advisor and greatest inspiration" W. Houston

"A mother loves her children even when they least deserve to be loved" K. Sanperi

"A mother understands what a child can not say" Jewish Proverb

 and finally..................

 "Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."   Harriet Beecher Stowe, writer

Cleaning Out Life's Linen Closet

At 1am, yes 1 AM, I sent a friends request to three relatives that have been distant. Included in the request was this accompanying note:

• "I think it is time to move forward from what ever was past. Whether I have hurt you or you have hurt me. I forgive you, can you forgive me?" 

My thoughts, at the time of the request, was not past issues or who is at fault. This wasn't a blame game.  It was time to move forward.  I was willing to be the first person to step forward and say something. After all, I had an alterior motive! :)

On my birthday, 3 months ago I started my forgiveness quest!  I needed to lift the heaviness off of my life.  I was carrying SO much Life Baggage.  I had to fully understand and believe that no matter how many times I hash and rehash the past it never changed how I felt at that moment.  CHANGING the future was something I could hash out! It was up to me to accept what I can, stop blaming and stop try to figure out what I can't, and just get on with it!  I didn't want to talk about the past, I just wanted to move forward and create new memories, better memories!!  I wanted that for ME, and I wanted it for OTHERS.  After me, were my parents. I was on the road to cleaning out Life's Linen Closet (thus a Blog is Born)! 

I don't care what you have been taught or told.....It is very very very difficult to be the "first" or to say "I am sorry" when you have no reason to say it. However, I refused to go away from ths life without at least trying to resolve this "indifference". The next suitcase contained a group of family members mentions above. So it was up to me to step forward and be the "first inorder for me to continue on this quest to heal myself and redeem who I am to ME and begin to enjoy the love of family gatherings again!

People think they know, but they really don't know ME. Who knows, maybe my action along with my words will be inspirational enough to them that they pay if forward!  Here's to Hope!

My optimistic hope soon turned to me being on the verge of tears. I cannot for the life of me, understand some people!  I really, really, really try. I was trying not to allow this person to control my emotions! Subconsciously I am screaming "I am not a bad person and neither is J, my huband!" 

I am not perfect, but I am not imperfect either!  People from all walks of life forgive on a daily basis, but today the acceptance forgiveness was only acceptable with stipulations.

• The stipulation? (Quoted from the email:  it's your life and you forgave J(my husband)......but we still choose not to be around him..........I hope this is something we can agree to disagree on...and get back to being a family.........My husband did something to ME that I, I HIS WIFE, forgave him for.  He did nothing to these people, NOTHING!  (****) is for privacy of the relative's name

• ****and my issues were never with you....When I talked to you on the phone after J hurt you so bad.....That was it for us ...no more J....... 
• its something he(as in ****) can't get past....

I was floored, stunned actually!  The the more I thought about it the madder I became. 
Subconsciously I started going off!!!

• (****'s spouse) wants me to foresake my husband right here in this email?  Right here, right now?  For their love and acceptance, and get back to being a family?   YOU want ME, to turn my back on my HUSBAND?  And this is after my husband and I have been been on our own healing path for over 2 1/2 years now! Our marriage is solid, happy and HEALTHY mentally and emotionally and now  YOU want ME to give you special honor over HIM? Are you fucking kidding me? Is this what YOUR God teaches you?  Seriously? 

This word comes to mind.

• hyp·o·crite a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, esp. a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.

This is what YOUR  GOD said:

Luke 6:35-38;42But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." ... How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

Once I blog about a situation, such as this.  I am done with it.  I have emptied this bag and I am moving on, but I will say this before I finally dust out the case and put it in memory storage. To my family member above:

 Not every situation is the same. Everyone has a story and if you think for one moment YOU really know my situation, trials, tribulations, and  heartaches then YOU ARE assuming, and that can be the most damanging thing a human being can do.   This is YOUR loss, and not mine.  I feel sorry for you and only hope that one day your mind, eyes and heart will be opened.  If that day should ever come, I will be waiting, with MY arms opened.

HERE IS A SONG I WANT TO DEDICATE TO MYSELF For I have just given myself the kindest and generous gift of all....

Java sisterhood

It is amazing the connections we have with a food or a drink.  My grandmother, an advid coffee aficionado, shared her love with me through a liquid!  Java sisterhood has been created!  We would sit out on the back patio, down in Beaumont Texas and have our morning coffee and fruit (cantaloupe an all time fav).  We would talk about the days events, which always included an outing.  Some of the best childhood memories, I have with my Nana. 

For as long as I can remember, coffee has been and always will be a comfort drink for me.  Whether stressed, happy, lonely, sad, tired, no matter what the emotion, coffee soothes me like nothing else.  My Nana gave me that.  Something that  no one can take from me!

Seven and half years ago, my Nana had a heart attack at my sister's wedding reception.  Six months later, I made a trip from Monroe LA to Tinsman AR. My Nana and I sat with a cup of coffee, and while tears flowed, I looked at my Nana and said,  "I want to know are you really ok? Are you ready? Are you scared to die?"  Strange as it may sound, I found comfort in her comfort should she pass on.

• You see, she was scheduled for open heart surgery a week later.  There was a high risk and there was awareness that she might not make it. 

Nana comforted me and I comforted her as we spent the entire day together alone, just us.  That was the last  time I saw my Nana alive. A week later, I was called around 3am to go to Little Rock, AR  from Monroe, LA.  Nana wasn't going to make it. I drove like I had never driven before....crying, and saying over and over "Nana please, please hold on, please". 

• When she had open heart surgery they discovered she had pulmonary hypertension, complications from surgery resulted in a massive heart attack. 

Unfortunately, I didn't make it in time, and Nana had been placed on life support.  I was there holding her hand when the machine was turned off.  She left this world not alone, but surrounded by those who loved her. 

Today, seven years ago we buried a very unique woman who had a major influence in my life growing up.  She was my teacher of the lady like ways, the art of shopping, the love of chinese food, and the hope of something better.  Every family has ups and downs. Some relatives are quirkier than others.  Oddities, quirks, obsessions they just don't matter.  What matters are the memories shared with the relative, imprinted in our brains and our hearts. She had confidence in me when I had none. I was an only grandchild for 10 years! So we had special moments that were just us.She loved being a grandmother to her first born granddaughter and even more so to her first born great grand son!

So I stand, raise my coffee mug, and say,

To the woman who was wise and loving  in her own way.  Whose hand was in the shaping of my "mold". For without her, ear piercing, driving lessons, hair cuttings, swimming lesson, Hostess Fruit pies, fried egg with cheese, road trips, the value of a great pair of shoes in 4 different colors, and yes, coffee, would have been just another ordinary memory.  Here, Here to a  Grandmother every granddaughter should have! Heres to my Nana and the Java Sisterhood! 

11 Things about Right now!

11 Things about Right now

1. 11 followers
2. it is 11:04pm
3. on 1-11-11
4. 11-11 is my birthday
5. 11-11-11 will be a special birthday
6. I was born at 11:52am
7. my first name Janet + my Maiden last name Grover = 11
8. My best friend in college her birthday is 11-11-1968, exact same as mine!
9. our children were born exactly 11 days apart  - My son Trent Aaron 9/15/97; Her son Trevor Austin 9/4/97 notice the T.A initials
10. it is now 11:11pm
11. I believe that 11 is my lucky number

Oh! These are the Woes of a Social Network

GROSS DEFINED:
indelicate, indecent, obscene, or vulgar: gross remarks.lacking in refinement, good manners, education, etc.; unrefined. of or concerning only the broadest or most general considerations, aspects, etc. Slang . extremely objectionable, offensive, or disgusting shameful, outrageous, heinous, grievous.

Wow, when reading these definitions my feathers begin to ruffle!  I am trying really Not to allow this meanless person to control how I will fill the rest of the day.  But for some reason I gave them a pedestal and their words hurt me.  Why do I value ANYTHING this person says?  I don't know if it is value or just initial respect.  You see this person has a profession that requires them to take care of other human beings.  Given that profession and what they have been through in their own life I just ASSUMED, fuck I don't know what I ASSUMED. 

Does that make any sense?  That I would just put her at a higher standard because of her damn profession?   I think, deep down most of us do, or I am just one screwed up individual in how I place value on certain people!  I mean this is a person that hears some people's most intimate medical secrets, for god sakes! 

Ok, now that I have spoken and my subconscious has type out it's thoughts, on to the rest of the story.

Her comment about me, well it just floored me! I honestly thought that she would have at least addressed me personally even if on my wall, but for me to read it as her status!  OMG!!!!  I- seriously - had to read it twice, and then sent it to a friend.  A friend, whose opinion I do value, to make sure I wasn't reading something into it. This is what she said after reading the thread......

• SSNR January 10 at 10:42pm She is a fucking bitch! We've talked about her downward nose turning several times Janet. Delete her!!!! She thinks she's better than you for some gawdly reason. Seriously! I'd delete her in an instant.
• SSNRJanuary 10 at 10:47pm Oh man I would have told her to fuck off right on her thread, posted the pic like you did and then delete her. You have a lot of rude people you hang onto for some reason.

And, she kinda had this point a long time ago but I guess I let people shit on me a couple of times before deleting them......um, can you say "Door Mat".  Well that shit is changing this year, she was the beginning of getting rid of negative bad energy producting people!

Ok getting back to the story:
I know what some of you might be thinking, "Well how do YOU know it was you she was talking about?".  It was so obvious as to who it was, that even my own mother said, "I saw that".  I responded to her thread and posted a link to the photo she was referring to. Childish as it may have been, I was appalled that she just made me out to be some perverted freak of a mother by calling me "gross".  I wanted her friends who agreed with the post to see the photo she was referring to!  GGGgggggrrrrrrr I am actually mad just typing this out.  I mean seriously, what is missing in her life to make her want to say something so rude about me?  I don't know and at this point I don't even care.  If I never talk to this person again, it would not bother me one teeny tiny bit!

So here is the thread from Facebook.  Again, all names have been abbreviated for privacy reasons.  Here is the thread, as of last night.  Today I deleted her.

LNW: I have really enjoyed most of the snow pictures today...with the exception of the photos a mom took of her son with his girlfriend (gross...keep it between the two of them). It's been fun having a few actual winterish days in south Arkansas. Ready to head back to the slopes for some *real* snow in March. Between now and then, I'll just be dreaming!2 hours ago ·LikeUnlike · Comment · View Feedback (12)Hide Feedback (12)KGS and 2 others like this..

  

MWR:   Sure, rub it in, doc! LOL about an hour ago · LikeUnlike.

  

BT:  Haha! I'm so paranoid, I checked to see if TS. had posted pictures of S and A, even though I know she'd never take vulgar photos. (Oh, and Sand A don't pose for risque pictures either, I'd better add.)about an hour ago · LikeUnlike · 1 person GSA likes this.

  

LNW:   B(T)...lol...I'm glad it wasn't your child. Gyaaa. Nothing wrong with a smooch, but when your mom catches it through the window and posts it on facebook...well, then I see a problem...not with the kids, but with mom. Gross.about an hour ago · LikeUnlike.

 MC:  Ewwww. LOL about an hour ago · LikeUnlike.

  

KGS:  I guess Im glad I misses it!!! Yikes! about an hour ago · LikeUnlike.

  

KGS:  (Missed) about an hour ago · LikeUnlike.

  

KGS:   LoL @ L(NW).... Glad another woman to join me in speaking the mind....was told by a former boss I was brutally honest! My comment, "Well, thank you". He was fired for embezzling city money. Interesting... I don't mind being accused of being honest! Ever! about an hour ago · LikeUnlike.

TL:   Hey girl got a total of 8 inches yesterday and 6 last night here! Would you like me to send it your way? Better yet, come back out and play! about an hour ago · LikeUnlike · 1 person Like

  

JGG (<----this is me):  wow thanks L(NW) for such nice words about me! (I placed the link to the photo here) Now everyone else can see the inappropriate pictures of my 17 year old son!

Oh, these are the woes of a social network!  Opinions are like mouths....everyone has one and most of the time it is being fed crap! 

I was shocked, she wasn't playing around or kidding! And believe me I am all about "Roasting"(A facetious tribute, in which the honoree is alternately praised and insulted.) but this was no roast!  Maybe it was a joke, but i read and reread and found no joke or roasting.....this was a personal, insulting remark!! 

It hurt my feelings and then it pissed me off.  This person has some of the same friends I do. 
If I valued her opinion or thoughts, then maybe others do too? 

If others do, then are they in "agreeance" with her thoughts about me being a gross mom?

I know, I know I really shouldn't care, but damn it. I felt like some sort of  peeking tom, a sick voyeuristic crazy mother with the way she described me above. I just couldn't believe she thought this photo was out of line for me to take, and I couldn't allow other "friends" to take on her view without seeing the photo.

A little synopsis
yesterday my child got to stay home from school because of the snow storm that came through the state.  My son's girlfriend came over and they both decided to get out in the snow and play.  Well, I love photography and any opportunity to snap a photo I am going to do it!  This was the PERFECT opportunity to capture my son being completely himself.  The kids knew I was taking photos, every once in awhile they would see me standing at the window or I would bang on the window or door to get their attention. 

It was such a great day, why?  Because I saw a side of my son that I had never seen before. I started to see the man he is becoming.  To see my child, my 17 year old son interact with a female was just beautiful.  He was playful and sweet.  Exactly what every 17 year old female wants, and what future women/wives will want.   I was really "seeing" the young man I had raised and it was glorious!  I was chatised for taking a photo of my son kissing his girlfriend.  It was a very sweet moment and at that moment I was a photographer, not a mother.  That moment lasted a fraction of a second, but captured forever through my lens.  There was nothing distasteful about this photo.  I am not to keen on "heavy petting" in front of me.  I know it happens, IT IS NORMAL but I don't have to watch it.  A quick peck on the cheeks or lips is ok!

There was NO tongue....ewwww, that is even nasty to watch an adults do.  Although it is NORMAL, all things normal, ARE NOT PRETTY.......snot, ejaculation, menstrurl cycles, ....etc.  Those may be considered "Gross" but they really aren't, it is just part of life.

We explore our sexuality, our feelings, our emotions through dating.  It is a progressive step in life to figure out who they are, as a man or as a woman.  And if anyone disagrees with this, then "I" feel they have blinders on. We are emotional creatures, we practice our emotions while growing up.  A kiss can tell you so much: I like you, I love you, I want you, thank you, I care about you, I really want to know you better, or Ewww NEVER AGAIN!  My feelings for my husband were confirmed once we kissed for the first time.  To this day I just replay this memory in my head and it still "swoons" me.

I am not a Gross mother, I am not a bad mother, I am not a twisted mother, I am not an abusive mother! 

I am refined mom without rose colored glasses who enjoys seeing the real world through a camera lens!

refined [rɪˈfaɪnd] adj not coarse or vulgar; genteel, elegant, or polite. subtle; discriminating; freed from impurities; purified

Oh and the imfamous kiss photo....

A HEARING AID made me cry LIKE A BABY

This afternoon, I took on the task of reading about our new health insurance benefits.  My husband's company ABB ( http://www.abb.com/ ) has always provided it's employees with fantastic health, dental and eye insurance.  Since he returned back with ABB in 2002, we have always had Atena.  Due to cost, ABB changed insurance carriers. They decided on United Health Care.  I was mad because of previous experiences with UHC, it was going to be horrible! 

Biting my lip, finger on the mouse, I click the benefits tab, then let out the sigh of "tedious reading of health benefits ahead".  It wasn't going to be so tedious, I have an alterior motive.  I wanted lap band surgery really really bad. My weight is at the highest EVER and I am miserable! I just needed, WANTED, a little "self confidence" kick in the form of un-natural restricton of my stomach surgery.  Sadden when I thought about it. What would the men, women and children, from countries where starvation is prevealant, say to me if they could talk to me?  They would probably give me a good bitching,  " Julia Sugarbaker" style!  Now think about it, I would pay to alter my stomach because I apparently can't stop shoveling food down my pie hole and here they are starving!  They would so love to have just some of my food even some of my fat! I admit, the vanity bug had hit me. My affinity obviously didn't stop my selfish need to know if it was a covered benefit.  Click on
Benefit, section one "The Coverage", click......

Now I don't know if this is common, never remembered anything like this before, but it warmed my heart knowing they are really considering the patient and the family as well as the expense of the donor!

• "If a separate charge is made for a bone marrow/stem cell search, the Plan will pay up to $25,000 for all charges made in connection with the search." 

I was rather impressed. Shortly after, I read,

• "Coverage for Clinical Trials at a Cancer Resource Services designated facility is covered as part of this benefit.  Travel and Lodging Assistance is available as part of the Cancer Resource Services program. $50/$100 per diem with a Lifetime ...Maximum of $10,000." 

Can I say wow? Isn't this great?!  UHC is also covering some alternative approaches such as acupuncture and chiropractics.  Then, I click on the "Special Services" section.  This section usually contains the prosthetics, reconstructive surgery, diabetes help, cochlear implants...... 

I stopped at cochlear implants and got mad.  I was just about to post a sarcastic remark on facebook, when I decided to read a little further.  Scrolling slowly the words began to move up, the words "Hearing Aids". I will always read this section, wishfully thinking.  I have had a hearing disability since birth; however, it was not discovered until the 2nd grade.  I prepare myself for the usual jargon and then the usual word "cosmetic" "benefit not covered".  

Then, these beautiful words

• Benefits are available for a hearing aid that is purchased as a result of a written recommendation by a Physician.

These beautiful words was my brain translating it right??? I have to re-read these words 3 times before the tears begin to flow. 

I immediately called my husband and could barely talk through all the emotions that were pouring out of me.  I literally, was crying like a baby.  I cried for extreme gratitude I had for ABB at that moment.  Happy tears, my god, my life was seriously about to change completely!

For those who know about hearing exams, this will give you an idea of where I was then in 1999.  I have degenerative (will become worst as I age) bi-lateral(affecting both ears) high frequency (parts of speech, birds, crickets, sirens, alarm and ringtones in the high frequency range). 

This type of hearing loss is debilitating in social situations. 

• Self confidence is smashed when trying to hear in a crowd, restaurant or bar because I have responded incorrectly or inappropriately. Why? Because I couldn't hear you. I tried, but I "heard" incorrectly.
• I am absolutely terrified of meeting someone new for the first time.  I fear the reactions, the question, the rejection.  This is after years and years of ADULT strangers asking, "You got something in your mouth".  Or my personal insulting favorite "Why do you talk so funny?".  Some "adults" ask the question with an exaggerated imitation of my lisp.  So exaggerated infact, that I can "see" their speech.  Read their facial expressions.  That's how I can tell without fully hearing. 42 years later you can see the hurt in my eyes, the red of my cheeks, hear the stumbling of my words, incomplete sentence structure, my half attempt at a laugh while telling myself, "stick and stones".  Well, whomever that asshole was who came up with that quote should be shot! I will leave it at that!

I explain, I have a hearing loss. Which leads to the quizzical  "huh?" look. Then, I reply, "Can deaf people talk clearly if at all?"  A moment that could've be used as a "boo ya" type reaction from me.  Instead, become a ticking panic that sends my brain into a frenzy.  My brain begins plotting my escape from this situation before I embarass myself by crying.  I have countless horror stories like this from childhood to present day.  I seem can appear confident in a situation like this, but when I am alone........

• I have been denied a job strictly because of my hearing.  I couldn't hear the alarm at a government agency.  Yes, it was against the law but I knew better than to persue it. 
• I have had to quit jobs because of it.  Any foreign communicators is out. It is very difficult to comprehend, physically and mentally tiring. I struggled in a class in college with a foreign professor. 
• Businesses that refuse to change phones or get an enhancer/amplifyer.  I will never forget standing right beside a business phone (call in orders were part of the business) and a customer looked at me and said are you going to answer that phone.  I looked at him stunned, I never heard it ring. The boss did nothing about that phone that tweeted instead of rang.  Actually, he laughed, he was an asshole anyway.
• Sitting in the front row is manditory because I read lips.  I must "see" you to "hear" you.
• Whispering is completely out, yet people still do it.  I know they don't understand or just forget.
• I have had huge arguements with my husband and kids because I didn't hear them correctly.  The television has closed captioning permenantly displayed.
• Birds, crickets, car issues, kitchen timers, some household fire alarms, alarm clocks, etc.

I had a chance to test a digital hearing aid 8 years ago.  It was the most amazing experience ever!  I could completely HEAR and UNDERSTAND someone down the hall, talking BEHIND me!!!  Impossible without the aids.....I cried then too. My happiness was short lived when I found out that the aids I needed cost $2,000.00 per ear!  I had to have two because my loss is bi-lateral. $4000.00 for aids that had a life span of 5 to 7 years?? Are you kidding me???  Even if I financed it, it would take me that long to pay those off before needing new ones!  I couldn't do that to my family.  At the time my oldest needed braces, his needs overshadowed mine.  I would have it no other way. 

So, maybe now you can understand how precious of a gift ABB has just given to my family and to me.  ABB chose these "special benefits" for their employee, this wasn't a standard health insurance policy.  My hopes of obtaining a proper digital hearing aid that we can afford is within the next 6 to 9 months! Oh and the Lap-Band surgery, it isn't covered under our plan, and I am perfectly happy!

Twisted Perceptions - Through the eyes that distort me

Negative and Distorted views of yourself can be sabotaging to yourself esteem.  Why do we torture and constantly doubts ourselves?  Well, based on the research I have done, it started with my past.  Yeah I know, "look forward, not back"!  I had to look back to discover why I feel the need for acceptance and approval.  It appears that during my social development stage, I was damaged.   I found the following online, so I will quote what is necessary for me in completing this entry.  

Please go to this link for more education and information.  ( http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/enlightened-living/200807/negative-self-perception-and-shame )

Ok, so here is a few examples

• "If you are the last one chosen for kickball during recess, your peers are giving you an instruction that they don't feel you to be athletic. If your artwork is always chosen to hang in the hallway near the principal's office, your teacher is giving you the instruction that you're artistic. If your mother is constantly harping on you to clean up your room, she is giving you the instruction that you're sloppy. If your school guidance counselor "dumbs down" the list of colleges and universities to which you selected to apply, s/he is giving you the instruction that you're not so bright."

Even though I said, "this is a new year for me". Old habits die hard. I have had a negative perception of myself for a very very long time.  I look in the mirror and I do not see what others see.  If someone said I was ugly, I would look in the mirror and say, "I'm not that ugy".  But when someone would say you are beautiful well I would just scoff at the remark and believe they had problems.  You see, I never saw what others saw.  I didn't see myself as heidious but I didn't see me as cute or beautiful.  Junior high was the beginning of this visual of myself and high school confirmed it.  I only had (1) one date in high school (it was with a boy who had just moved to my hometown).

I began to believe that my perception must be right. I must be fat and ugly.  It was proven....I never got asked out.  It wasn't until college that my entire life changed.  Finally,  I told something else.  I was being told how beautiful I was. Men were falling around me. I had date, after date, after date, even my high school crush finally asked me out.  Slowly and surely this attention was changing my perception of me.  Guess what? I couldn't handle it and damaged myself esteem in other ways. 
When my perception of me is good, it shows in how I carry and treat my body. However, if I start looking myself and start to think negatively, it shows to everyone around me including my photos. No matter how hard I tried to NOT show that.  The vicious cycle would start over again.  I had never seen myself as beautiful or skinny because I never "saw" it.  My desire for validation was my desire to "feel" confident about the way I looked. I was rarely ever given validation out side of my family.  Oh there were a few Joes and Janes but they were 90+ or road kill....not the greatest compliment for a younger girl.  I was flawed, flawed from puberty on.  From then on I was never confident in me.

Ok, so you have a little history of my thought process and we move forward to today's events.  This is taken from my 365 Photo post.

 

•  Anyway, in my bedroom watching my shows on DVR and it dawned on me the picture sitting on the chest beside the television is a picture I had done 9 years ago. It was my first "nude" (very tasteful nothing of value showing). I hired a professional photographer to do this Valentines Day suprise for my husband to be at the time. That was a pretty monumental time in my life. So remembering that date was easy!   Then the light went off in my head, I want to see how much I have aged in 9 years. These photos were taken exactly (well within a couple of weeks of each other) 9 years apart. My little brain people or thoughts as others call them. Anyway, one thought was a good thought but then the bad thought creeped in so now I need validation of my thought. Crazy, I know!!!! I won't tell you what my thought is, because I don't want to influence your thought. It has nothing to do with weight. What are your thought?

My absolute very first thought was, damn you have aged well my dear. That was before posting the 365 photo or any decriptions. Then my self jepordizing evil side kicks in saying, "Are you kidding me? Look at the double chin, the fat nose, the sagging face, the wrinkled forehead".  There is 100lbs difference in the photo.  I have always been self cautious of my weigh issue lately.  BUT I wasn't even asking about my weight, it was obvious!  I was only worried about "Do I look old?" "OMG I am old?".  After about an hour went by I started asking myself, "You needed verification that I didn't look old???? What the fuck is wrong with you?"   

I have had some pretty stressful circumstances that should have left me looking like Bill Clinton after 8 years in the Oval Office.  So, today, I caught myself asking for validations once again.  Do I really need such validation to see what I am already seeing?
"OMG there are people who are probably looking at this and say you have aged just like the rest of us, you look like shit, or you have really aged well."  Well, what do I care if someone thinks I look this way or that way?  This is an area will be a work in progress.  You can not change a negative action over night.  In order to treat my body I will have to treat my mind first.  I do not need validation to know I have aged well, and the 100lbs was a necessary evil in my case. There are some things that will change with my body, e.g. fat face.  Once I get my self under control, then I focus on getting the weight off, but my weight will not come off until I have some changes in the brain!

So what have I got to say?

• When you are talking to your children, be sure to think of their future.  Be mindful of what and how you say things to your children concerning their appearances.  Teach them to be kind to other and that "hearing" the words you look nice, beautiful, handsome" could save another person's life. Possibly saved from a life of Twisted Perceptions.  There is no positive in negative words.  Telling a fat person they are fat, isn't going to make them lose weight any faster.  If anything they will gain more.  Laughing, pointing fingers or threatening won't help either.  Consideration and Appreciation.  It is another human begin....love them past seeing them.

Well, here it is in a nut shell.  My twisted view were fueled by all that was wrong in my world at that time!  I unusally tall for my age, already started my period (5th grade), had boobs, hips forming, hormones on crack, a high frequency hearing loss that causes multiple problems and a speech impediment to add to my verification that I was UGLY but I wasn't ugly I was just dealing with puberty and a handicap.  And I wasn't dealing well at all, nor was I taught really HOW TO DEAL and ADJUST.  My overly mature body probably scared or intimidated many in my age group and my lisp could come across as dumb.  There was no boob envy, no height envy and definately no lisp envy. I was called many many horrible names.....and yes Virigina, stick and stones may break your bone, and words CAN HURT YOU.  Education is the key to stop the Negative cycle.  Start young so they do not end up 42 years later trying to figure out why they need other's approval about how YOU feel!   We ALL age, what we do with our Aging is up to us.  AND.....I have been beautiful all along, I just didn't see it then. I have aged beautifully despite being a smoker for 20+ years (1 1/2 FREE).  So, here is to the new year and to the new discoveries about myself.  Here is another quote from the link above I think this is the perfect ending to tonight's blog!  

 "To divest ourselves of shame we need to start living a life that is not a reflection of others, but a reflection of our authentic self."

New Year, New Me

Hello 2011!!!!  I have been waiting for you, my whole life! This is the year of my transformation and it has nothing to do with food or excerise. My transformation journey will begin on the inside.

• My health - it is important that I start to take better care of this body.  I will not starve it, torture it or punish it.  I will love and treat my body right by staying active and eating cleanly.  Treats will be just that, a treat.  As a result, my body will respond beautifully to the love I have shown her.

• My mind - it is important to speak my mind.  It isn't a "blessing" or a "gift".  It can be pure hell if there is no source in which to express.  I will continue to speak openingly and in the right venue.  I will learn from the negative and celebrate the positive.  I will continue to open my mind, open my eyes and fully enjoy the journey my blog is about to take me!

• My heart -.  It has been broken so many times that I have become hard hearted.  I started on this journey recently.  It's the journey of letting go, resolving, learning and moving on.  It is a necessary evil sometimes just to let go in order to move on. 

I will not pressure my mind, my heart nor my health with resolutions.  I will just keep the three titles posted on my wall. This year is about me.  I am on the journey to peace, harmony, joy, enlightment, creativity, and ingenuity.

I invite my readers to go on this journey with me, share your experiences, make a comment.  Share with me your successes, joys, irritations, annoyances....anything.  Maybe, both of us will grow or you can stay there and I will grow! LOL  Happy New Year!!!!!

"This Could Be the Year" - Ryan Star
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qwv0zMpoQhw