Twisted Perceptions - Through the eyes that distort me

Negative and Distorted views of yourself can be sabotaging to yourself esteem.  Why do we torture and constantly doubts ourselves?  Well, based on the research I have done, it started with my past.  Yeah I know, "look forward, not back"!  I had to look back to discover why I feel the need for acceptance and approval.  It appears that during my social development stage, I was damaged.   I found the following online, so I will quote what is necessary for me in completing this entry.  

Please go to this link for more education and information.  ( http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/enlightened-living/200807/negative-self-perception-and-shame )

Ok, so here is a few examples

• "If you are the last one chosen for kickball during recess, your peers are giving you an instruction that they don't feel you to be athletic. If your artwork is always chosen to hang in the hallway near the principal's office, your teacher is giving you the instruction that you're artistic. If your mother is constantly harping on you to clean up your room, she is giving you the instruction that you're sloppy. If your school guidance counselor "dumbs down" the list of colleges and universities to which you selected to apply, s/he is giving you the instruction that you're not so bright."

Even though I said, "this is a new year for me". Old habits die hard. I have had a negative perception of myself for a very very long time.  I look in the mirror and I do not see what others see.  If someone said I was ugly, I would look in the mirror and say, "I'm not that ugy".  But when someone would say you are beautiful well I would just scoff at the remark and believe they had problems.  You see, I never saw what others saw.  I didn't see myself as heidious but I didn't see me as cute or beautiful.  Junior high was the beginning of this visual of myself and high school confirmed it.  I only had (1) one date in high school (it was with a boy who had just moved to my hometown).

I began to believe that my perception must be right. I must be fat and ugly.  It was proven....I never got asked out.  It wasn't until college that my entire life changed.  Finally,  I told something else.  I was being told how beautiful I was. Men were falling around me. I had date, after date, after date, even my high school crush finally asked me out.  Slowly and surely this attention was changing my perception of me.  Guess what? I couldn't handle it and damaged myself esteem in other ways. 
When my perception of me is good, it shows in how I carry and treat my body. However, if I start looking myself and start to think negatively, it shows to everyone around me including my photos. No matter how hard I tried to NOT show that.  The vicious cycle would start over again.  I had never seen myself as beautiful or skinny because I never "saw" it.  My desire for validation was my desire to "feel" confident about the way I looked. I was rarely ever given validation out side of my family.  Oh there were a few Joes and Janes but they were 90+ or road kill....not the greatest compliment for a younger girl.  I was flawed, flawed from puberty on.  From then on I was never confident in me.

Ok, so you have a little history of my thought process and we move forward to today's events.  This is taken from my 365 Photo post.

 

•  Anyway, in my bedroom watching my shows on DVR and it dawned on me the picture sitting on the chest beside the television is a picture I had done 9 years ago. It was my first "nude" (very tasteful nothing of value showing). I hired a professional photographer to do this Valentines Day suprise for my husband to be at the time. That was a pretty monumental time in my life. So remembering that date was easy!   Then the light went off in my head, I want to see how much I have aged in 9 years. These photos were taken exactly (well within a couple of weeks of each other) 9 years apart. My little brain people or thoughts as others call them. Anyway, one thought was a good thought but then the bad thought creeped in so now I need validation of my thought. Crazy, I know!!!! I won't tell you what my thought is, because I don't want to influence your thought. It has nothing to do with weight. What are your thought?

My absolute very first thought was, damn you have aged well my dear. That was before posting the 365 photo or any decriptions. Then my self jepordizing evil side kicks in saying, "Are you kidding me? Look at the double chin, the fat nose, the sagging face, the wrinkled forehead".  There is 100lbs difference in the photo.  I have always been self cautious of my weigh issue lately.  BUT I wasn't even asking about my weight, it was obvious!  I was only worried about "Do I look old?" "OMG I am old?".  After about an hour went by I started asking myself, "You needed verification that I didn't look old???? What the fuck is wrong with you?"   

I have had some pretty stressful circumstances that should have left me looking like Bill Clinton after 8 years in the Oval Office.  So, today, I caught myself asking for validations once again.  Do I really need such validation to see what I am already seeing?
"OMG there are people who are probably looking at this and say you have aged just like the rest of us, you look like shit, or you have really aged well."  Well, what do I care if someone thinks I look this way or that way?  This is an area will be a work in progress.  You can not change a negative action over night.  In order to treat my body I will have to treat my mind first.  I do not need validation to know I have aged well, and the 100lbs was a necessary evil in my case. There are some things that will change with my body, e.g. fat face.  Once I get my self under control, then I focus on getting the weight off, but my weight will not come off until I have some changes in the brain!

So what have I got to say?

• When you are talking to your children, be sure to think of their future.  Be mindful of what and how you say things to your children concerning their appearances.  Teach them to be kind to other and that "hearing" the words you look nice, beautiful, handsome" could save another person's life. Possibly saved from a life of Twisted Perceptions.  There is no positive in negative words.  Telling a fat person they are fat, isn't going to make them lose weight any faster.  If anything they will gain more.  Laughing, pointing fingers or threatening won't help either.  Consideration and Appreciation.  It is another human begin....love them past seeing them.

Well, here it is in a nut shell.  My twisted view were fueled by all that was wrong in my world at that time!  I unusally tall for my age, already started my period (5th grade), had boobs, hips forming, hormones on crack, a high frequency hearing loss that causes multiple problems and a speech impediment to add to my verification that I was UGLY but I wasn't ugly I was just dealing with puberty and a handicap.  And I wasn't dealing well at all, nor was I taught really HOW TO DEAL and ADJUST.  My overly mature body probably scared or intimidated many in my age group and my lisp could come across as dumb.  There was no boob envy, no height envy and definately no lisp envy. I was called many many horrible names.....and yes Virigina, stick and stones may break your bone, and words CAN HURT YOU.  Education is the key to stop the Negative cycle.  Start young so they do not end up 42 years later trying to figure out why they need other's approval about how YOU feel!   We ALL age, what we do with our Aging is up to us.  AND.....I have been beautiful all along, I just didn't see it then. I have aged beautifully despite being a smoker for 20+ years (1 1/2 FREE).  So, here is to the new year and to the new discoveries about myself.  Here is another quote from the link above I think this is the perfect ending to tonight's blog!  

 "To divest ourselves of shame we need to start living a life that is not a reflection of others, but a reflection of our authentic self."