Happiness came when I stopped trying to live up to everyone elses expectations!

Wow, all this laughter the past week has been an eye OPENER.
Anti-depressants can be a wonderful thing, but it is anti-laugh, anti-cry, anti-diet, anti-sex.....it is just anti-dealing with life and  anti-death medication. You are just in a state of Anti while taking this medication!!!!

As many of you  know I was and have been in an Anti state for about a year.  It was a good thing.  It kept me from just getting into my car and driving off, far, far away.  But then, there came a time that I needed to removed myself from the medication, all medically supervised. My realization came as a slap in the face. What 42 year old woman has NO sex drive? I was not normal!!!! It was in that brief moment of clarity that I said enough is enough! It has been long enough, time to wake up and process reality as it really is. That was roughly three weeks ago

First week was horrible, absolutely horrible.
I cried everytime I saw a movie, started having mini panic attacks, weird
dreams that were impossible to even try and write down, and feelings
of "poor pitiful me".

Second week was a rage week and the week I had my foot surgery.
This was the week my son and I got into it, I began to have doubts as to my parental ability, I was having hateful thoughts about other people and started to really really miss my best friend.

Third week has been such a pivotal moment in life for me,
no self loathing, no depression, incredible opening of the eyes
"seeing" life in a completely different way, a positive way, even when
it "appears bad".  I try to see the good that arose from the bad. And this freaking laughter. Pissin' on myself laughing out loud laughter!!!  I am coming to life again, and I am getting excited.

I stopped taking my Anti-life medication,  I came Out of the religious closet, I started a blog, started my 365 photos AGAIN,  and finally, FINALLY stopped
trying to live up to everyone elses expectations.  I was happy to be
ME, REALLY ME, and so far, I like this me much better!!!!! 
I wrote this "Freed me to be me, not thee" poem whilst composing tonights entry.

This is me, Oh how I love me.

What, did ye just say? Ye doesn't like or understand nor see who thee is ment to be? 
Oh! ye has feelings of disappointment in thee?

For it is ye who is disappointed in thee, not me!

Your expectations for me weren't ment to be.
For my expectations, set me free
I am me and I chose to be free!  Free to be me!
Oh, my expectations of me upset ye?
Farewell I say to thee. 
For I am me and not thee.
I choose to be happy, joyous and free!!!

"A lifetime of change can happen in a single moment!" Life is not Black and White it is GRAY!   The following is taken from a facebook email I received today. Name has been changed to protect my friend's privacy.  My maturity unfolding in an email.
GG December 30 at 10:43am
Got any pics from Jean Whites? Wish I did,that would be good! Me December 30 at 10:45am
OMG no I have no pictures of that heffer and if I did it would be
riddled with dart holes!!!!! She was very hateful to me. What in god's
name made you think of her?  

(at this point I am about to have a breakthough)or so. I love jean and jerry,they are really good people.

GG December 30 at 11:44am
My fam still in contact with them.. I talk to Karen still once a year
(Gray matter happens - knowing the type of people my friend was spawned by and knowing what I know through facebook about him.  Well, it became obvious to me that I needed to step back and re-evaluate and possibly clean out some of my ole' luggage)

Me December 30 at 12:00pm
Well good for you! I hope they are all happy and doing well. How is
Karen? Where does she living now? You know come to think of it, I
might have a photo of Karen and I.

People can and do change. I don't know all the circumstances. I was too young to understand the situation fully. Jean continued to keep my sisters, so I am assuming my mother and Jean had some sort of understanding. I had and still do have ADHD. I am sure that had something to do with it, I also had a hearing loss that went undetected until the 2nd grade. Then you combine her everyday stress with me and her own personal stresses of a husband doing a dangerous job and the new baby at the time (baby boy was born around that time), she probably
couldn't or didn't handle me too well. 
(Wait for it) 

All these years, I have harbored dislike for the woman, and it has
taken me until JUST NOW to realize there might be more behind it.
Sorry she had to be he person that deal with it. Back them they didn't
know much about ADHD, to her I might have been just an High Strung
Spoiled brat unruly child. Not to mention my own emotion unbalances as
a 10 year old child at the time (parent's divorce, new marriage, new
sister, etc.). I just remembered she was always hateful. So hateful in
fact that Mrs. Scarabrough called my mother and told her about it. I
started babysitting myself at a young age because of it. Things change
and people change and I am sure if confronted about it she may have
the same ill feelings towards me as I had towards her......and maybe
her views have changed like mine. .
(end of email as of 5:08pm, there has been no response and I DON'T NEED ONE!!!!!)
 People grow, mature and change!  Yes, I said it, they can CHANGE.  It take maturity to "see" what other possibilities exist. Why habour dislike for a woman I have not seen nor spoke to in over 32 years?  This is just old luggage within luggage that needs to go.....today I unloaded this ole' bag! (no pun intended).

So tonight, my entry will give you a touch of something wonderful in my world in which I live today.  A sample of "My Life in Statuses"

J***** G**** G****
absolutely loves it when a truly funny moment happens between me and
my kids. Brain transmittion is fired immediately everything switches
to s l o w motion, recoginition is established and with a swift second
of silence, I look to my youngest son, his eyes widen, brows inch to
the hairline, and in one swift reaction noone misses a beat we all
respond spontaniously with snorting laughter and no piddle pad in
place! ♥
about an hour ago · Friends Only ·LikeUnlike · Comment