Farewell my Decade, farwell to thee! 2000-2010

The first decade of the 21st century was the most monumental decades of my life so far!  There are so many things I would have changed, yet so many I would not.  My decade has some of the most heart breaking, breath taking, educating, eye opening events.  Some so painful, I could never fully revisit, not even on here.  Some embarassing moment that make you go hummmmmm, are you kidding me?  Yeah I was very naive and emotionally immature at one time.  That time was at the beginning of this decade.

Now sitting here in the living room, t.v. commercial playing in the background.  Husband sitting in his recliner, reading something on the computer, son in his room getting ready to head out.  I take a nice long sip of my coffee and realizing that I am finally coming out of the darkness and into the light.  My decade is leaving me a stronger mentally, emotionally, intellictual, "getting there" physically phenominal woman! 

Between Little Rock and Conway there are two ridges with a wide open valley.  I seems like you can see for miles and is really beautiful.  It is the perfect area, in my opinion,  for any sunset, sunrise or storm clouds. Now, from today on I will think of it as my learning to fly area.

As I decended the first ridge about to cross my beautiful valley the radio begins to play Stevie Wonder's Do I Do , the car next to me passes by with the license plate LRN2FLY, and suddenly it like JANET came to life. I was smiling!!!!  My shoulders started bouncing to the beat, volume went from low to medium then to blaring.  I was literally dancing and singing to the top of my lung as if I was the only person on I-40.  It wasn't until the extended cab truck full of college age "boys" passed by honking and throwing the peace sign!  I made my best Jack Black "Wooohoo" face and throw up my Rock and Roll sign back.  I was feeling happy, feeling free! 

This decade started out closing me into a box, only dabbling me outside of the box for growth, soon I was out of the box but wouldn't tell anyone, and now at the end of the decade,  the box has been kick and played around with one to many times.  It has served all it can serve in this life. I have held on to the box long enough and it is time, time to break it down and say farwell to thee!  No boxes need in the next Decade, only peace, harmony, happiness and joy with EYE WIDE OPEN.  May all my friends young and new, old and wise have a very Very out of the box year and decade to come!  Farewell to

Now get ready to shake it!

Happiness came when I stopped trying to live up to everyone elses expectations!

Wow, all this laughter the past week has been an eye OPENER.
Anti-depressants can be a wonderful thing, but it is anti-laugh, anti-cry, anti-diet, anti-sex.....it is just anti-dealing with life and  anti-death medication. You are just in a state of Anti while taking this medication!!!!

As many of you  know I was and have been in an Anti state for about a year.  It was a good thing.  It kept me from just getting into my car and driving off, far, far away.  But then, there came a time that I needed to removed myself from the medication, all medically supervised. My realization came as a slap in the face. What 42 year old woman has NO sex drive? I was not normal!!!! It was in that brief moment of clarity that I said enough is enough! It has been long enough, time to wake up and process reality as it really is. That was roughly three weeks ago

First week was horrible, absolutely horrible.
I cried everytime I saw a movie, started having mini panic attacks, weird
dreams that were impossible to even try and write down, and feelings
of "poor pitiful me".

Second week was a rage week and the week I had my foot surgery.
This was the week my son and I got into it, I began to have doubts as to my parental ability, I was having hateful thoughts about other people and started to really really miss my best friend.

Third week has been such a pivotal moment in life for me,
no self loathing, no depression, incredible opening of the eyes
"seeing" life in a completely different way, a positive way, even when
it "appears bad".  I try to see the good that arose from the bad. And this freaking laughter. Pissin' on myself laughing out loud laughter!!!  I am coming to life again, and I am getting excited.

I stopped taking my Anti-life medication,  I came Out of the religious closet, I started a blog, started my 365 photos AGAIN,  and finally, FINALLY stopped
trying to live up to everyone elses expectations.  I was happy to be
ME, REALLY ME, and so far, I like this me much better!!!!! 
I wrote this "Freed me to be me, not thee" poem whilst composing tonights entry.

This is me, Oh how I love me.

What, did ye just say? Ye doesn't like or understand nor see who thee is ment to be? 
Oh! ye has feelings of disappointment in thee?

For it is ye who is disappointed in thee, not me!

Your expectations for me weren't ment to be.
For my expectations, set me free
I am me and I chose to be free!  Free to be me!
Oh, my expectations of me upset ye?
Farewell I say to thee. 
For I am me and not thee.
I choose to be happy, joyous and free!!!

"A lifetime of change can happen in a single moment!" Life is not Black and White it is GRAY!   The following is taken from a facebook email I received today. Name has been changed to protect my friend's privacy.  My maturity unfolding in an email.
GG December 30 at 10:43am
Got any pics from Jean Whites? Wish I did,that would be good! Me December 30 at 10:45am
OMG no I have no pictures of that heffer and if I did it would be
riddled with dart holes!!!!! She was very hateful to me. What in god's
name made you think of her?  

(at this point I am about to have a breakthough)or so. I love jean and jerry,they are really good people.

GG December 30 at 11:44am
My fam still in contact with them.. I talk to Karen still once a year
(Gray matter happens - knowing the type of people my friend was spawned by and knowing what I know through facebook about him.  Well, it became obvious to me that I needed to step back and re-evaluate and possibly clean out some of my ole' luggage)

Me December 30 at 12:00pm
Well good for you! I hope they are all happy and doing well. How is
Karen? Where does she living now? You know come to think of it, I
might have a photo of Karen and I.

People can and do change. I don't know all the circumstances. I was too young to understand the situation fully. Jean continued to keep my sisters, so I am assuming my mother and Jean had some sort of understanding. I had and still do have ADHD. I am sure that had something to do with it, I also had a hearing loss that went undetected until the 2nd grade. Then you combine her everyday stress with me and her own personal stresses of a husband doing a dangerous job and the new baby at the time (baby boy was born around that time), she probably
couldn't or didn't handle me too well. 
(Wait for it) 

All these years, I have harbored dislike for the woman, and it has
taken me until JUST NOW to realize there might be more behind it.
Sorry she had to be he person that deal with it. Back them they didn't
know much about ADHD, to her I might have been just an High Strung
Spoiled brat unruly child. Not to mention my own emotion unbalances as
a 10 year old child at the time (parent's divorce, new marriage, new
sister, etc.). I just remembered she was always hateful. So hateful in
fact that Mrs. Scarabrough called my mother and told her about it. I
started babysitting myself at a young age because of it. Things change
and people change and I am sure if confronted about it she may have
the same ill feelings towards me as I had towards her......and maybe
her views have changed like mine. .
(end of email as of 5:08pm, there has been no response and I DON'T NEED ONE!!!!!)
 People grow, mature and change!  Yes, I said it, they can CHANGE.  It take maturity to "see" what other possibilities exist. Why habour dislike for a woman I have not seen nor spoke to in over 32 years?  This is just old luggage within luggage that needs to go.....today I unloaded this ole' bag! (no pun intended).

So tonight, my entry will give you a touch of something wonderful in my world in which I live today.  A sample of "My Life in Statuses"

J***** G**** G****
absolutely loves it when a truly funny moment happens between me and
my kids. Brain transmittion is fired immediately everything switches
to s l o w motion, recoginition is established and with a swift second
of silence, I look to my youngest son, his eyes widen, brows inch to
the hairline, and in one swift reaction noone misses a beat we all
respond spontaniously with snorting laughter and no piddle pad in
place! ♥
about an hour ago · Friends Only ·LikeUnlike · Comment

Love Will Keep Us Together....A moment in time.

Well Tonight, I was going to do my blog on my ole' buddy Howard, but then heard the song of my childhood on a movie my husband was watching. I begin blaring out the words to the song and my sweet lil' ol hubby looked a little shocked....why?

1. Maybe he thought I was an amazing singer and was in awe.
2. Maybe he was shocked that I knew the song
3.  Maybe he thought that I sucked and the best response is the "shock & awe" so as not to piss me off!
4. Maybe he likes hearing me sing because that is a happy moment.

I personally think he was amazed that I knew all the lyrics!!  LOL, but honestly, I suck at singing, horrible voice but he always tells me, "I like to hear you sing". (My sub-con speaking again) "Yeah, like I like nails on a chalk board."  I roll my eyes and say, "oh god what is wrong with you man?" Heeeheeee.  All laughing aside my husband looks at me because in that very moment I am happy enough to sing and NOT CARE who is listening!  People sing when they are happy.

How could I not bust out into my best imitation of Tennille and my 10 year old hand motions to "Stop, cause I really love you"?  It was 1975 when the song first came out, but probably 1978 before my mom purchased the 8-track tape of the album.  An album that will forever be a part of my childhood and forever known as my momma's song. When I hear this song, I can close my eyes and see a 10 year old girl and a her 30 year old mother, listening, dancing, singing, and expressing the word "stop" with our hand movements.  Smiling and making faces with the different words. In the livingroom, at the house on Carter Street.  It had to be a Sunday, because we were doing laundry. Dancing around, folding clothes and singing.  And if we didn't like the next song, well we were with in two steps of  hitting the program button to take us to the next song.  Ah, the good old days of 8-track.  Captain and Tennille's "Love Will Keep Us Together" album that brought me and my momma so much joy while doing such a loathed task. Backin the day when the words didn't mean much to me.  The song was just FUN to sing!!!!  

Sometimes it is the simplist things in life that bring memories rushing back. Memories, like wee little babies, they instantly make you smile!  This was the time she was newly married, a new home, a new life had been created, a time where life was looking up, and a happy time existed.  My mom was fun then, for that moment with me, she had not a care in the world,. Where no one else mattered, at that time, but me.  What a wonderful gift life can give....the gift of memory!  And nothing is better than the memories we alone share with our parents. 

So widsom would I like to impart upon you, my readers?  I can think of no one better to quote than Mark Twain who says it "almost" best....

• "Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth.” 

And combine with my two cents....."and always take the time to create a memory with your child!  A future smile is guaranteed!"

So heres to my momma.....Love will keep us together!

Well, I am normal....can't be on all the time.

Thank you Urban Dictionary for the entry tonight.

"A gap, interruption, or uncontrolled shift in a chain of thought resulting in a lull, pause, and/or blank stare during oral communication and sometimes involving the loss of short term memory."  aka Brain Fart

 Taking proper steps to clear the gas and bloating. Check back tomorrow (ppfffssssttttt)

Sometimes, "Because I told you so" just isn't acceptable. I'm a parent, and I said so!

Today, my youngest son (aka T). came and sat down beside, "Mom do you think I can get B (older brother aka B) to take me to GameStop?" "And the pet store?", I replied back.  We had a rather simple discussion, and it came down to me telling T to call his dad(aka DNA or dad) and ask him if it is ok if he buys a lizard with his Christmas money. His dad said he would have to talk to the step-NONDNA (stepmother) and would call him back.

• A little background: I have two male children by the same man. I have the oldest one and he has the youngest one. The story behind why this is the way it is, well it is hugely complicated, and depressing. Personally, I am just not ready to dive into the depths of hell to talk about it openingly.  That day will come soon enough, but until it does, you will just have to understand, I have a  very deep, deep, deep dislike for the DNA of my children. No one has ever hurt me a deeply as this person has, no one else ever can.  He is evil, under handed and a backstabber.  He is the worst possible person on the face of this earth.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel like I have failed my children by having him as their DNA.  Yes, I know these are very harsh words but DO NOT JUDGE me because YOU can not ASSUME anything!  Period. I love my children with all my heart and I might bitch and gripe but I assure you, my children know without a shadow of a doubt that I love them and would do anything to protect them, and they even know the snake of a person their DNA is.

I told T, "If your daddy says yes, then I must hear these words".  T has a habit of saying "Dad doesn't care".  No, sure he doesn't care..... until I see the look on his face, forming right in front of us as he realizes what T's latest purchase is. Eye brows go from up to down, eyes in emotionalist state, then the head begins to shake to the left and right as if his son has committed some disappointing act. Shocked,  I look at him wondering, "Why would you do that to a child that is so happy, and so happy to show you?"  Did you tell him specifically he couldn't have that toy??, then you hear the DNA finally speak, "Son I told you, or son why would you......spend your money on THAT?"  Give me a fucking break?  Since when is it a parent's right to decide what a child purchases with HIS money that he has earned or been given?  Ok, let me clarify that, with in parental boundaries.  Now I would have a problem certain things, that are deadly, inappropriate age wise, etc. BUT this is where the DNA and I differentiate.  When you tell your child why he can not purchase something. You, as a parent, should have an explanation.  It should come to a point in your childs life that:  1. Those words don't work anymore, 2. Your child is old enough to understand and deserves an explanation. 3. Didn't YOU always hate those word "Because I said so"?

This "child" is freaking 13 years old, Hello?????

• I can not question the DNA.  I do not have a right to question his parenting skills, even if I see it hurts my child.  He lets me know, in so many words, that he is the custodial parent. It is ashame that we can't talk about this, we used to, but not anymore.

Ok back to the point before I write a freakin' book! 

So, the DNA calls back evidently because I could hear T throwing a fit in his room.  "T", I yelled, "Come mere".  T walks into the room with eyes red and attitude in his voice,"What?"  I said, "What is wrong and why are you crying?" T with tears in his eyes, "I hate my life, and dad". "T, don't talk like that. What did your dad say?".

"Dad said that I can't have a lizard or any pet because I am not mature enough and he said I can't have any plastic toys, and he called them by names Legos and Connects! Why can't he let me have at least the toys I like!" T bangs his fist on his leg, "Dad said I couldn't have any toys!".  Grimiced expression came across my face and I looked at him raising my voice "What? No toys??  What do you mean no toys?", "NO TOYS MOM", he yelled.  T was upset as was I.  How can a parent say NO TOYS?????  Oh and the immaturity part?  Hmmmm how do I tell this part?

• T lives in my hometown with his DNA.  Very small town with the drama to match! Anyway, two kids over the past 2 years have been paralyzed from chest/waist down due to 4-wheeler accidents.  Kids we know!!!  So anyway, a few weeks ago T calls and says, "mom guess what dad bought me for Christmas? A 4-wheeler!". "Really T?", I express my disappointment and explained why. But you know kids, they believe they are invincible. "Mom, it will be ok". So then a week later I call DNA and inform him I am giving T $100.00 for Christmas towards his tires because that is what he said he wanted.  Yes, you guessed it! DNA is telling T, our 13 year old son that his Christmas money HAS TO go towards paying for two tires on this CHRISTMAS Present! $250.00 of his gift money. OMFG are you kidding me???? I am sorry but am I alone in thinking there is something wrong with this???? Anyway, DNA laughs and says, "yeah I got a steal on this 4-wheeler from an 84 year old man in Conway". In my shock responsive way, "In Conway, you caome to Conway? So, Why didn't you call B?". DNA said in a cowboy like swaggering voice "Well, it was a rushed trip aaaaaaannnnnnnddd, we didn't have time".  Yeah, you read that right he didn't have fucking 5 minutes to say "Hi" to his son!  Wow Janet where did you find this winner? (yes I just spoke to myself).

Ok, So back again to the main point, sorry. So now I have established my 13 year old is mature enough to have a http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=honda+fourtrax+250+1985+age+restrictions&view=detail&id=0D390A603A93AFEA18A425468E0DDCCE8C43012E&first=1&FORM=IDFRIR&qpvt=    this toy that can KILL him or DAMAGE him for life but, isn't mature enought to take care of a lizard in a tank? Then to tell him no plastic toy e.g. Legos and Connects, because "you aren't a baby" or "you're too old for those". Yet buy all the video game you want! I asked T, "Why would your dad say that to you? Do you leave them lying around?" "No Mom!" "Didn't you ask him T?", T yelling in an upset fustration " Mom if I ask, dad takes it as arguing!" "Arguing? It isn't arguing! It is a question! You have a right to ask a question!" I said, taking my stand.....T stomped off and said, "you don't understand and I don't want to be grounded!".  Imagine getting grounded for asking a question? 

Subconscience talking again: "You don't provide an explanation and you are taking away his possible creativity outlet???  You would rather our child play a video game than to be creative????? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?" Yes, I was angry and hurt and upset.  I called T back into the room and said, "T, you go buy you whatever lego, connect set you want and you can keep it here at my house.  You have a right to be a kid".  He came into the kitchen a 30 minutes later hugging me, and said, "mom thank you for putting me in a better mood".  We sat down and played around with shrinky dinks....allowing him to be Creative!

Every child deserves explanation. Every parent should explain in the best way possible for their age.  "Because I said so", is becoming less and less accepted as a reason.  Each generation is starting to say,  ((waving their hands in the faces of adults))Um,  "I deserve to know why".  Afterall, we adults DO NOT and WOULD NOT accept such an answer from anyone of authority who said, "Because I said so"!  As my smart and current husband, Jeff used to tell me,  "We are raising future ADULTS not CHILDREN". 

LOVE ALL - LIFE'S PERFECT 10

LOVE ALL a perfect 10 in Scrabble...but today this statement took on a different meaning.
I sat for hours debating what to write about tonight. So finally, I said to myself, "Janet, you have got to be the bigger person here". It takes a big person to admit when they are wrong or sorry, but it takes even a bigger person to forgive. 

I don't know if forgiveness is  a word of value to everyone, just a few, or only the religious?  I don't know about others, but I do know about me.  I need to forgive.  If for nothing else I must for my psyche.  So, what does this word mean to me? It means, "hey you made a mistake, said you were sorry or not, but either way, I choose to let it go".  I am mentally freeing that negative energy, and replacing it with something of value to me.....forgiveness.  The feeling, the high is empowering! The proverbial weight of the chest feel.

My husband has played a role in my quest for growth and betterment by continually reminding me "You have got to stop allowing others to control your emotions"! Immediately and aggressively I snap back stating, "I don't allow people to control MY EMOTIONS!!"   A Very "emotional" response.  I had indeed, had allowed him and others to control my emotions by my defensive remark.  Can you say duh? Yeah, I can see it now, and I felt like a complete buffoon when I finally had the understanding of the statement 5 years later.  Isn't it  amazing how much widsom is bestowed upon us within 5 years?  LOL.  Now don't get me wrong, I am not perfect and there are days that I struggle with this statement, especially when it is someone of significant value or a family member.

Today, was on of those days and boy did I snap.  Teeth out, nails drawn, ears back. I was in complete defensive attack mode! All over this statement written in a facebook email. 
Here's the statement:
 "You are false in celebrating a holiday that is all about honoring God if Jewish and the birth of the Son of God If you're Christian. All the gift giving comes from God's gift to us and all the gifts given to the Christ child. I do think you are being false to celebrate something you don't believe in. Over the last month or so you've shared all about your crafts, stocking, ....you are working so diligently on."
How dare this bitch say this shit to me, hello you are my cousin, you are claiming to be Christian and you tell me I am being FALSE? Oh, HELL NO! 

Needless to say I wasn't nice - I had ALLOWED her to control my emotions. I proceeded to quote my education about the holiday:
Much of what people associate with Christmas, a holiday that is supposed to be about the birth of Jesus, actually pre-dates Christianity. Traditional Christianity celebrates the death of holy people, not their birth. In 274 CE, though, pagan emperor Aurelian proclaimed Decemer 25th Natalis Solis Invicti, the festival of the birth of the invincible sun. Saturnalia already occurred around this time along with many other celebrations. Christians took over this and other Roman festivals. Even Christians explain the birth of Jesus was NOT on December 25th. http://www.ucg.org/bible-faq/jesus-christ-born-december-25-christmas.htm....  so do not proclaim me to be False....for you are wrong......and that is what PISSES Me off!

Five minutes later she was removed from my friends list and blocked. I was extremely angry! Oh the anger was sickening and not good for my body nor mind.  I was saying to myself, "why are you so angry?". Here, it is the holidays, she is only stating what she has always been told, half truths and whole lies and keeps passing it down from one generation to the next.  I shouldn't be piss, I should feel sorry for her.  Why? because of her ignorance, she has insulted me and insulted all who LOVE ALL.  However, my actions were not very loving....I do recognize this BUT some people are best loved from a distance. Facebook isn't distant enough and my forgivenss doesn't mean she has to be my friend!

Recently, within the past week, after 18 years I came out of the atheist closet. This is as close as I can get to experiencing what a gay or lesbian may go through when they come out to family members.  You just read how I felt, imagine what they have to put up with.  All the HATE, All the IGNORANCE.  It is ALL un-necessary! I'll talk more on my coming out experiences as I grow and mature through this blog.  But tonight, on the eve of Christmas Eve, remember we are all Human Being no matter what our race, religion, or sexual origin is.  All Human Beings deserve respect and love regardless of what we believe, therefore make a resolution with yourselves to LOVE ALL and to make it once again a perfect 10.

"Change the World" Eric Clapton

A Status....errr Blog is Born!

Hello my name is Janet and I am addicted to Facebook. ((insert your response - e.g "Hi, Janet"))
I don't know why I am addicted, don't care why. I just know that I am laughing and vicariously living my life through a social network.  Facebook has just changed me in ways that I find even hard to comprehend....I would even go so far as to say.....it saved my life.

So today, at 3:33am on 12/23/2010 A STATUS, errr BLOG IS BORN!!!!!
WEIGHT: it weighs ALOT. Then again, I guess that would depend on who you ask.
LENGTH: anywhere from 0 - 200 comments.  Anymore than that is just too damn much!
APPEARANCES: Can be deceiving!

I promise to keep you open, laughing, questioning, bitching for at least the next 365 days!  ((I hope)). Help me in welcoming this truly pivotal moment as I live my life in statuses.